5 years of junk

I'm now 25 years old. All these blog entries seem like an exotic assortment of useless junk. I feel stupid.

The Exit

I'm hurting them

I must change myself and I know what to do. The problem is... Will I do that? Here we go again, I have started again. No use if I continue to talk with myself. I feel so idiotic. 

Without an effort, you cannot achieve what you desire... No, that probably does not count. Enough. Sufficiency is the keyword. I want to press "Reset" button and start all over. Because I have insufficient ambition,  courage and desire... Do I want to change? 

I do not want to hurt people. I do not want to accept that I'm bad. I want to be criticized and don't want it at the same time. I don't want to write all these, but then the pain persists. I'm tired of all these. I wish something came and take my life instantly. Don't make me suffer, I'm scared to feel pain, I just want to die. Is it possible? Non?

Bah. Tired. Bored. Don't want to write more. Please bear with it.

Nothing

Long time no see, eh? And again, my mind is filled with nothingness, I'm bored, I'm bored to death.

It's rather hot nowadays... I'm fruitlessly taking a bath, only to start sweating like a hell in a couple of minutes... Though I'm OK with hot, sunny days, I don't like the smell I produce unintendedly.

Hmm, I really want to write about my feelings. The emptiness I own, the solutionless person I've became... but funny, it does not feel that gloomy now...

OK, now, I have so much to do, I think I'll leave this story here. Maybe I'll continue telling this, on a less hot day.

Angel & Demon

Angel and Demon

For peace we pray

Save us from all fears

Oh Lord, save us...

You can feel me in your mind

With every breath you take

Burn the earth with flame of sins

I'll make you feel dismay

Our feelings play with us

But you must keep yourself under control

If you're searching for resolves

Be ready for the tolls

Show us the right way

Day after day

All fears we must forget

Then better world we'll get

If you have the greatest aim

Keep it in your soul

I'll be always by your side

Always in your heart

Our dreams can play with us

Even if we think that we keep control

From all horrors of the world

Salvation is love

Love

The earth is in flame

And you must share the blame

Look inside yourself

We both are there

Day after day

All fears we must forget

Then better world we'll get

Does it matter?

Something really tries to prevent me from writing these lines... How vain...

But I have lyrics of all those songs to explain myself, so it doesn't matter...

You know you're pushing you push your luck again
You know you're twisted you twist the knife again
You know I'll save my pain for the darkest night

We know there's nothing we know the past is gone
I realise you're not the only one
I'll take my time, the future's bright

Or maybe this...

Our feelings play with us,
But you must keep yourself under control
If you're searching for resolves,
Be ready for the tolls

No, I'm not some FREAK!!

And again, someone, yes, someone is trying very desperate to pull me out of the pond of gloom...

There is a way to understand without a language, don't be afraid
Use the words you've found, dance around
Just a simple way to be yourself...
...today

Leonard... You've really been an help...

Do we have what we have?

Do we have what we have?
An interesting tale to tell

The nights taking your control
Makes you feel droll
Then anguish takes the role
Deep within your soul

Silencing like a spell
Do we have what we have?

And no longer you have escape
Silence sounds like a scrape
Having noone listening to you
Obsolete like an old tape

Silencing you like a spell
Do we have what we have?

Impotence, fear and disgrace
Paralyzed with all their threads
No wonder you're trying to erase
The question in your mindspace

Which silences you as well
Do we have what we have?

Yes I have that
But you don't!

Torn pages of Leon'Ard's secret diary #1

...

The 13th birthday

"Happy birthday, young one" - Cloaked Magician

Everything started with a dream, on 21th of October, my birthday. I've had a very realistic dream that night, and met with him, the cloaked magician.

Alone in a misty forest, a questioning voice from behind scared me like a hell:
"Looking for something, young one?"
I've turned around, and met with the owner of the voice, an ordinary young man with pony tail, probably at his early 20s. Everything about him was perfectly normal, except the cloak which is like it's made of a starry night, like all those stars have been buried inside the cloak, flowing endlessly.

"It seems that this cloak draws too much attention, isn't it?"
The unexpected question caught the target perfectly, and I was unable to answer while staring at him.

"I know that today is your birthday, young one"
Finally able to get rid of that stunning surprise feeling, I got my voice back:
"I feel like I know you, have we met before?"
Smiling, he answered "Yes and no."
"is it yes or no?" I insisted childisly.
"Both"he replied...

...

What draws you apart may pull you closer...

You know, it sometimes feel so painful to have someone very close, but so far... The threads of fate that bounds you together, may allow you to feel what burdens that close person, but when it comes to intervention... You need more than just a "feeling" to officially intervene with someone, even the closest one...

I wonder why you've been keeping me this far... What was your purpose...

I feel something troubles you and maybe they're more than one, but to whom will you tell what ails you?

Our blood draws us closer, the time is coming...

And I'll post these deranged words of mine so maybe, just maybe, my distant prayers may reach out you...

Who knows?

Please Hear what I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.

mask I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
gold mask Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

Charles C. Finn

Words of Power? Power of words?

I'm so suprised to see this blog in the google search results, but there it is.

It seems that the word "technique" usually preffered to "technic" but, they both are true.

I wonder who made a search of "deception tecnics" :D a cheated girfriend who seeks for revenge maybe :D

Eclipse

What an irony, I have nothing to say, but say some "nothing" anyway.

Faith is a key to so many possibilities, even those seem impossible, but even though you know it, you cannot reach it easily.

A key that is so close, yet so far... how painful to watch... how painful to be gone through...

But for how long, can you keep believing in yourself, with nobody supporting... It's a hard fact to swallow, isn't it?

It's too painful even to take a look, and I'm going through it, surrounded by that reality. So down... so sad... so..... never mind...

Losing your faith brings you nothing good...

You wonder who am I talking to, don't you? I don't know either...

The Diamond and The Imitation

"Tonight we should let ourselves to be cleansed.. let your boundaries to be perished by the beams of freedom. Deny the realities and live in a dream for a minute.

I will erase what I disclaim, and render them invisible, then forgotten. I will set them as a lie, I will.

You don't now what I mean, do you? I doubt it. You must know what I disclaim if you ever imagine to understand me. Getting visions which are burried in my complex definitions are no picnic.

I can engulf you in chaos with my crazy-talk, but be careful with my sentences because they can hide various mysteries of my life or whole life itself."

I have made this decision long ago, but some people decided to mimic me now. And now they are erasing what they disclaim, setting it as a lie.

There is nothing to say to what is already occured, but at least don't accuse me of imitating you like before, because it is you who imitates me...

I Curse You

The horrid winds blow away
The boundary on your way
Terrifiying the way
You form a life out of clay

The moon, the sun and the stars
Wise mercury and the fiery Mars
Hear my distant plea over winds
Wish a metamorphosis

True love
I wish true love
You're just a liar
I want your love
I just want love
You're so cruel

I adore you, your highness
I was a castle, now some ruins
go on, praise your success
Only if you think it's a success

The moon, the sun and the stars
Wise mercury and the fiery Mars
Hear my distant plea over winds
Wish a metamorphosis

True love
I wish true love
You're just a liar
I want your love
I just want love
You're so cruel

I can't run, I can't stay
Agony's always the only way
But still I am after you
Since the hate returning everyday

True love
I wish true love
You're just a liar
I want your love
I just want love
You're so cruel

What will happen then (I curse you)
To reality and sanctity(I curse you)
What will happen to us (I curse you)
Insanity then solitary

Your love
I did want love
But you did not
Hear my last wish just for you
Painful ordeal to be gone through

I curse you
I curse you
I curse you...

The Fine Line Between Music and Magic

In ancient eras, where sharp swords and accurate arrows ruled; music was not only an entertainment, but an effective weapon. Bards used them for encouragement, seductive witches used them for enticement and necromancers used them for discordance...

In those times, music was created for both creation and destruction alike...

Today, technology spread out every corner in life, while true magic faded away, some burned at stake like their casters, some encrypted within ancient, dusty books...

And now, music is treated as a piece of the entertainment business. But beware, in the right hands, a sequence of notes or a piece of melodic lyric can be either your salvation or damnation...

Like what happened to some...

Chapter 10 - The Wheel Of Fortune

From out of hiding comes the Fool, into the sunlight, as if being pulled up from some low, dark point on a wheel. It is time for a change. Staff in hand, he heads back out into the world, expecting nothing. But, strangely, things seem to happen to him as the hours go by, good things. Wandering by a water wheel a woman offers him a drink in a golden chalice, and then urges him to keep the cup, just because she likes him; as he wanders by a windmill, he stops to watch a young man swinging a sword; when he expresses his admiration of the weapon, the young man presses it into his hand, insisting that he take it.

And finally, when he comes upon a rich merchant sitting in a wagon, right over one of the wheels, the man hands him a bag of money. "I like giving away money," explains the Merchant, "and I decided, just randomly, that the tenth person who walked past me today would get this money. You're the tenth." The Fool hardly thought he could still be surprised, but he is. It is as if everything good that he ever did in his life is being paid back to him, three-fold. All luck this day is his.

Chapter 9 - The Hermit

After a long and busy lifetime, building, creating, loving, hating, fighting, compromising, failing, succeeding, the Fool feels a profound need to retreat. In a small, rustic home deep in the woods, he hides, reading, cleaning, organizing, resting or just thinking. But every night at dusk he heads out, traveling across the bare, autumnal landscape. He carries only a staff and a lantern.

It is during these restless walks from dusk till dawn, peering at and examining whatever takes his fancy, that he sees and realizes things he's missed, about himself and the world. It is as if the secret corners in his head were being slowly illuminated; corners he never knew existed. In a way, he has become the Fool again; as in the beginning, he goes wherever inspiration leads him. But as the Fool, his staff rested on his shoulder, carrying unseen his pack. The Fool was like the pack, whatever it was he could be was wrapped up, unknown. The Hermit's staff leans out before him, not behind. And it carries a lantern, not a pack. The Hermit is like the lantern, illuminated from within by all he is.

Chapter 8 - The Strength

The Fool, victorious over his enemies, is feeling arrogant, powerful, even vengeful. There is a hot passion in him that he can barely control. It is in this state that he comes across a maiden struggling with a lion. Running to help, he arrives in time to see her gently but firmly shut the lion's mouth! In fact, the beast, which seemed so wild and fierce a moment ago, is now completely at her command.

Amazed, the Fool asks her, "How did you do that?" One hand on the lion's mane, she answers, "Will power. Any beast, no matter how wild, will back down before a superior will." At that moment, the Maiden meets the Fool's eyes; though saintly and young, her look is knowing and filled with great power. "Likewise," she says to him, "there are many unworthy impulses inside us. It is not wrong to have them. But it is wrong to let them control us. We are human, not beast, and we can command such energy, use them for higher purposes." His rage quieted, the Fool nods, enlightened, and walks away knowing that it wasn't only the lion that was tamed this day by a Maiden's pure and innocent strength.

Chapter 7 - The Chariot

The Fool is close to completing what he set out to create long ago, back when the Magician revealed those tools to him. But enemies are now standing in his way, devious human enemies, bad circumstances, even confusion in his own mind. There's no more forward momentum; he feels he is fighting just to stay where he is. Walking along the shore, watching the waves come in, he puzzles over how to defeat these enemies and get things moving forward once again.

It is here that he comes across a charioteer, standing in his gold and silver chariot, his black and white steeds at rest. "You seem a victorious warrior," the Fool remarks. "Tell me, what is the best way to defeat an enemy?" The Charioteer nods out at the ocean. "Have you ever been swimming in the water and been trapped in that tide which pulls you out to sea? If you try to swim forward, head-on, you go nowhere. You swim forward, the tide pulls you back and, if you tire yourself out, you drown. The only way to win without sapping all your energy is to swim parallel to shore, and come in slowly, diagonally. So, too, when fighting in a chariot. You win by coming up alongside that which you wish to defeat." The warrior nods to his beasts. "Your steeds keep the wheels turning, but it is your control and direction that brings victory. Dark and light, they must be made to draw in harmony, under your guidance."

The Fool is impressed and inspired. He thinks he now knows how to win his own war. He thanks the warrior, but before he leaves, the warrior stays the Fool, "One thing more," he says, "no victory can be won unless you have unwavering confidence in your cause. And remember this above all, victory is not the end, it is the beginning."

Chapter 6 - The Lovers

The Fool comes to a cross-road, filled with energy, confidence and purpose, knowing exactly where he wants to go and what he wants to do. But he comes to a dead stop. A flowering tree marks the path he wants to take, the one he's been planning on taking. But standing before a fruit tree marking the other path is a woman. He's met and had relationships with women before, some far more beautiful and alluring. But she is different. Seeing her, he feels as though he's just been shot in the heart with cupid's arrow, so shocking, so painful is his "recognition" of her. As he speaks with her, the feeling intensifies; like finding a missing part of himself, a part he's been searching for his life long. It is clear that she feels the same about him. They finish each others sentences, think the same thoughts. It is as if an Angel above had introduced their souls to each other. Though it was his plan to follow the path of the flowering tree, and though it will cause some trouble for him to bring this woman with him, to go somewhere else entirely, the Fool knows he dare not leave her behind. Like the fruit tree, she will fulfill him. No matter how divergent from his original intent, she is his future. He chooses her, and together they head down a whole new road.

Chapter 5 - The Hierophant

Having created a solid foundation on which to build his future, the Fool is struck with a sudden fear. What if everything he's worked for is taken away? Is stolen, or lost, or destroyed or vanishes? Or what if it is just not good enough? In a panic, he heads into a holy place where he finds the Hierophant, a wise teacher and holy man. Acolytes kneel before the man, ready to hear and pass on his teachings. The Fool tells the Hierophant his fears, and asks how he can be free of them.

"There are only two ways," says the Hierophant sagely, "Either give up that which you fear to lose so it no longer holds any power over you, or consider what you will still have if your fear comes to pass. After all," the Hierophant continues, "if you did lose all you'd built, you would still keep the experience and knowledge that you've gained up to this point, wouldn't you?"

This surprisingly pragmatic advice releases the Fool from his fear, and he is able exit out of the sanctuary and face the world's challenges once again.