5 years of junk

I'm now 25 years old. All these blog entries seem like an exotic assortment of useless junk. I feel stupid.

The Exit

I'm hurting them

I must change myself and I know what to do. The problem is... Will I do that? Here we go again, I have started again. No use if I continue to talk with myself. I feel so idiotic. 

Without an effort, you cannot achieve what you desire... No, that probably does not count. Enough. Sufficiency is the keyword. I want to press "Reset" button and start all over. Because I have insufficient ambition,  courage and desire... Do I want to change? 

I do not want to hurt people. I do not want to accept that I'm bad. I want to be criticized and don't want it at the same time. I don't want to write all these, but then the pain persists. I'm tired of all these. I wish something came and take my life instantly. Don't make me suffer, I'm scared to feel pain, I just want to die. Is it possible? Non?

Bah. Tired. Bored. Don't want to write more. Please bear with it.

Nothing

Long time no see, eh? And again, my mind is filled with nothingness, I'm bored, I'm bored to death.

It's rather hot nowadays... I'm fruitlessly taking a bath, only to start sweating like a hell in a couple of minutes... Though I'm OK with hot, sunny days, I don't like the smell I produce unintendedly.

Hmm, I really want to write about my feelings. The emptiness I own, the solutionless person I've became... but funny, it does not feel that gloomy now...

OK, now, I have so much to do, I think I'll leave this story here. Maybe I'll continue telling this, on a less hot day.

Angel & Demon

Angel and Demon

For peace we pray

Save us from all fears

Oh Lord, save us...

You can feel me in your mind

With every breath you take

Burn the earth with flame of sins

I'll make you feel dismay

Our feelings play with us

But you must keep yourself under control

If you're searching for resolves

Be ready for the tolls

Show us the right way

Day after day

All fears we must forget

Then better world we'll get

If you have the greatest aim

Keep it in your soul

I'll be always by your side

Always in your heart

Our dreams can play with us

Even if we think that we keep control

From all horrors of the world

Salvation is love

Love

The earth is in flame

And you must share the blame

Look inside yourself

We both are there

Day after day

All fears we must forget

Then better world we'll get

Does it matter?

Something really tries to prevent me from writing these lines... How vain...

But I have lyrics of all those songs to explain myself, so it doesn't matter...

You know you're pushing you push your luck again
You know you're twisted you twist the knife again
You know I'll save my pain for the darkest night

We know there's nothing we know the past is gone
I realise you're not the only one
I'll take my time, the future's bright

Or maybe this...

Our feelings play with us,
But you must keep yourself under control
If you're searching for resolves,
Be ready for the tolls

No, I'm not some FREAK!!

And again, someone, yes, someone is trying very desperate to pull me out of the pond of gloom...

There is a way to understand without a language, don't be afraid
Use the words you've found, dance around
Just a simple way to be yourself...
...today

Leonard... You've really been an help...

Do we have what we have?

Do we have what we have?
An interesting tale to tell

The nights taking your control
Makes you feel droll
Then anguish takes the role
Deep within your soul

Silencing like a spell
Do we have what we have?

And no longer you have escape
Silence sounds like a scrape
Having noone listening to you
Obsolete like an old tape

Silencing you like a spell
Do we have what we have?

Impotence, fear and disgrace
Paralyzed with all their threads
No wonder you're trying to erase
The question in your mindspace

Which silences you as well
Do we have what we have?

Yes I have that
But you don't!

Torn pages of Leon'Ard's secret diary #1

...

The 13th birthday

"Happy birthday, young one" - Cloaked Magician

Everything started with a dream, on 21th of October, my birthday. I've had a very realistic dream that night, and met with him, the cloaked magician.

Alone in a misty forest, a questioning voice from behind scared me like a hell:
"Looking for something, young one?"
I've turned around, and met with the owner of the voice, an ordinary young man with pony tail, probably at his early 20s. Everything about him was perfectly normal, except the cloak which is like it's made of a starry night, like all those stars have been buried inside the cloak, flowing endlessly.

"It seems that this cloak draws too much attention, isn't it?"
The unexpected question caught the target perfectly, and I was unable to answer while staring at him.

"I know that today is your birthday, young one"
Finally able to get rid of that stunning surprise feeling, I got my voice back:
"I feel like I know you, have we met before?"
Smiling, he answered "Yes and no."
"is it yes or no?" I insisted childisly.
"Both"he replied...

...